documentation [18 Dec 2009|02:30am] oliphont I should really get back to writing in my journal as opposed to using this as a medium for DOCUMENTATION. I took a peek under my snazzy purple bandage and saw the gaping hole that's been carved into the ball of my foot. I had minor surgery with-a-laser-and-lots-of-bleeding-and-the-smell-of-burning-foot-flesh this morning, which was just the beginning of a truly tragic day. When I woke up this morning my back was twisted up all gnarly and sad so that made any sort of movement pretty difficult. I was left alone for a bit while my mom went to pick up my pain medication (which apparently can cause serious depression and shouldn't be prescribed to bipolars and suicide is more likely) and when she came home the laundry room and basement underneath were flooded because she left the sink faucet running with a bucket covering the drain before she left and I couldn't hear anything or move. SO, that was stressful. But I just keep laughing because it's all so ridiculous and silly and why can't you see that it's the littlest things that seem so innocuous and pathetic that are actually amazing? Why can't you see? Sometimes I feel people shut themselves off and won't let themselves be happy. Funny that I'm saying this considering how I feel most of the time. There are just times when I take a walk in the park and let everything, the smell of the cold breeze and rustling leaves on the ground and a faraway train reminding me of all the places I wanna go and birds chatting and the solitude, flood my senses and mind and I am so fucking happy. I lament often these days about my lack of close friends/social life and missing the old times when I got to laugh so hard for hours with these people that were marvelous and I loved them. That was happiness, absolute bliss even if all the amazing parts were too often scattered carelessly among the bitter drama that was high school and beyond. I think I've found a new way to feel good about existence. It's all moving, nothing stops, it just keeps going. And if nothing else I would love to sit by and watch it all transpire. But then you say what about actually being apart of life and not just letting it slip through your fingers? Well you see sir I have a tendency to fuck up absolutely everything in my life and there are an abundant amount of people out there just like my but doing it better so why not just take a backseat and revel in the happiness that others make for themselves. Yes it is lazy and sad but I'm at a point recently where all of it is just getting too hard. I'm kinda giving up, but just for now. I still make plans. Whether or not those plans ever come to fruition is a whole 'nother story. I still dream of moving to Portland and making friends with pretty queer girls and dancing so hard my heart hurts and traveling all around taking pictures of people and life and actually becoming an artist, you know "making it." I can't say for sure that's how things will work out, whether I spend the rest of my days dwelling on the past, sitting idly by in the present, or making the forward journey. I think I'm rambling. The point is that I'm tired and I don't know if I can drive tomorrow but I must see my lovely faced friends and escape the mad house before the snow traps me here for days. I'm also really scared because I can't even help someone who I care about a great deal and it's my fault that everything sucks. Can't you just reconsider? Maybe sleep on it, for about fifty years and then maybe you can do whatever you want. My hand are like fleshickles, stiffly scuttling over the keyboard trying to translate the tangled thoughts (alliteration, what?) into word form. Maybe I could try for sleep and wake up to cold breezes and birds chatting about the lovely weather. post comment

Like the Chixdiggit song [17 Dec 2009|02:33pm] paula_kelley I quit my job. Now I have more time for: video games reading and writing photography (getting proficient at manual finally) knitting and sewing playing drums, bass, and banjo cleaning my apartment cooking epic meals and baking vegan cheesecakes exercising catching up on 30 Rock, Arrested Development, and movies finding a job I like figuring out whether I'm moving and to where visiting people and traveling 1 comment|post comment

[12 Dec 2009|01:12am] holdnothing I can try to be an ok person. thats the best I can do. 2 comments|post comment

unresponsive [11 Dec 2009|01:39am] holdnothing I don't really want to deal with everything right now, ok? I've got boxes to pack and ship down, sore feet and knees, and hey, thats really great that you work inside, but I don't. So, when it hasn't been raining or snowing on me, its fucking freezing and windy. I don't really have the energy to handle that much stuff right now. post comment

[10 Dec 2009|01:28am] oliphont i thought that maybe if i went slow enough that when i hit the wall it wouldn't have been so surprising. i have a lot to say and no where good enough to put it. you know when i was in lima and we'd go out on the weekends and get drunk on pizza street, then head over to the taco stand three blocks from our house and order massive tacos whose girth was even greater than any old chipotle burrito? we'd get them piled high with tomatillio, lechuga, papas fritas, and teletubby jizz. then we'd stumble through the "park", try to catch some shade from the streetlights. I remember laughing with my friend becky about something moronic, maybe sex, and lettuce flew out of her nose. most fucking hilarious thing to ever happen ever. She was a good friend. I'm sad even though she lives only a lil while away that we haven't tried keeping up with our friendship. That chick really made me enjoy living in peru, for the mere fact that she was crazy and wild and fun and exciting and we were friends. so many stories could be told. that is what i should do, start documenting all my memories. i'm feeling so sick and tired and sad. like i really feel sad. i don't want to talk to aron or my mother or my therapist. i cant. i cant talk to them. maybe i should just go drawing or something, that seems to help. it's just i keep experiencing flurries of really depressive thoughts and i get caught repeating the same thing over and over again - "you suck." "thank you i'm aware." everything is trash and misery and bullshit. me, this free online radio im listening to, the heater blowing hot air all over my room, and sitting here trying to type out some kind of semblance of words and thoughts. trying to sound pretty. make you think im so smart. yea yea, when i say it all right, i recite the script...hows it go again? oh man oh man oh man, does it go something like "i'm going to be an artist someday." or "i am a worthwhile human being." OR EVEN BETTER "i can handle all this on my own." this is was i need to say right? this is what i need to say to make people think I am in control and making it happen. im tired of spouting off that bullshit. trying to make people believe i'm something i'm not, make them think i am a good person, that i have something to offer. IF YOU AREN'T GETTING IT..... this is what can be got: ... .. . i choked. i'm so scared. everyone! could all of us just stop the judgment?! can't we just take us as we are? no, i guess not. everything i say is wrong and stupid and you've heard it before and it's lies and i'm a liar, a dirty fucking piece of crap selfish liar that probably should have died a number of years ago in one of those tragic(see "pathetic") suicide attempts. oh really please i can feel it coming now. sometimes in the middle of a episode, if you're quite enough and you very well never are, you can feel the shit take over. it's a different kind of pain. i'm not happy so much as dizzy and good at putting on a face. excuse me please dear, i need to patch that bit up and then ill be on my way. which way would that be? b? bears? Bangladesh? yea let's go there. quickly now, i fear that the brisk, winter wind traveling so swiftly on their wings of faery dust and vodka, shall change things. we'll see, maybe the breeze will just blow these blues away. or maybe a torrential hell storm of blood and bile will come barraging down on our pretty little lives. oh good, just in time for the holidays. post comment

[09 Dec 2009|10:14pm] oliphont I'm just gonna launch into this. So I joined the People's Alliance club at my school essentially to meet other queer peoples because I already don't have many friends but the ones I do have are mostly straight-laced kiddos well no not completely but you get the idea. so anyways being queer is really important to me and i feel like a lot of people don't respect that because i am in a relationship with a man. but goddammit thats not fair to judge. so i just wanted to meet and hang out with people who i shared something with so maybe i could feel apart of a community(?). i dont know but the point is that most of the people at that club are already friends with each other and i dont know if anyone realizes this but it's extremely difficult to red rover yourself into tight-knit groups of people who really have no need for you. and the one girl i have met who i like and think is interesting couldn't care less. which is cool i guess, i understand. winter break is within my grasp and all i really need to do is have a power point by tomorrow, finish my reproductions, write a paper on da Vinci, and study for two tests - easy as pie...except when it's pot pie and i can't stop eating it and instead lay on my ass and be a lazy procrastinator. It'll be nice though to see Adair and Katie and Melissa and Denise and Christine and Amber and anyone else who i love but i never see. post comment

[08 Dec 2009|09:51pm] lambwonderful just been walking dogs and working on some paintings. i made a web site: caitlinsherwood.com that's all i got. 5 comments|post comment

First Outfit in Ages [08 Dec 2009|10:28am] paula_kelley Nothing incredibly exciting, but a good balance of a bunch of different styles I like (and still comfortable). Chunky green sweater: Value Village/Unique Superstore in White Oak ($3) Yellow-and-blue striped shirt: Nordstrom super super sale ($15-$20) Skirt: Swapped a few years ago Chunky knit tights: Ruche (I think they were expensive, like $15 or $20) Thigh-high socks, rolled and slouched down: Sock Dreams ($6) Black-on-black high top chucks: Village Thrift ($4 on sale from $6) post comment

Thank you British Public Schools! [06 Dec 2009|07:11pm] holdnothing "It's about teaching boys not to be violent and girls that being a sex object isn't the only way to be validated." post comment

MAKIN' IT HAPPEN! [06 Dec 2009|02:54pm] oliphont By all accounts yesterday should have been miserable, what with the fact that I didn't get to bed till past four and woke up with screaming head/neck pains at seven. HOWEVER, while I was awake in my early morning stupor, a cat named Henry who is staying at Aron and James' place, came to snuggle with me. He is so soft and wonderful and loving (almost aggressively so) and just made me feel better. So after a couple hours trying to get back to sleep and failing miserably I got up around 10:30 to join my mother on an excursion to the Corcoran because they were having tons of art schools from all around the country come to look at people's portfolios and critique. SO after driving through DC in nasty snow-rain we found a parking space and headed inside. There were a lot more people then I thought there would be. I checked my coat and stood in line to speak with Alfred College, a school that offered undergrad degrees in Art Therapy. As I waited and looked on at all these other, amazing portfolios being looked at I started feeling sick and light-headed. I couldn't breathe and I wanted to just run away back to bed with a warm blanket and a sexy boy. I knew I couldn't though because that's what I always do and that's why my life is currently sad and pathetic. So I held steadfast and took deep breaths and my mama rubbed my back and I began to feel okay. Then it was my turn. The womyn at the table was nice enough, offering me advice on how to better organize my portfolio so that schools can really "see" who I am through my work. I thanked her and left. Floods of relief ran through me and all I wanted to do was make my portfolio amazing for the next school I'd see. After grabbing some time to eat and make pretty, I headed downstairs to meet with the San Fransisco Art Institute. As soon as I walked up I felt good about forthcoming interaction with the representatives of the school I have wanted to go to for two years, simply because the guy who I was going to talk to had a blue checkered scarf on similar to the one my mother was wearing. He looked at my pieces as I filled out a little form. He told me he thought I was really good but needed less technical shit and more of myself in my work. Then he talked about how what of myself I did bring that SFAI would love and how I'd be perfect there. Then he said that sometimes when transfer students apply, the usually need another semester before they should come, but that I didn't need to and should apply for the spring. He said I was ready. (HAHAHA. The funniest thing just occurred in my mind while I was writing this but I can't say. Mostly me just getting lost in whatever James is playing on the stereo, and realizing things about myself and this life.) So basically I finally have an out. post comment

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